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Tuesday, 22 May 2012

I am flawed like that tulip in tulip mania

I added the below comment in a blog that I felt I have a connection to many moons ago:

"The most expensive and prized tulip strain during the tulip mania was a "damaged" tulip - the unique red streaks on its petals were the result of a virus infection. 

People didn't know then.
 

It was prized because it was unique and rare."
 
 

Semper Augustus, the most prized tulip during the tulip mania


Little did I know I was subconsciously cheer-leading myself.

For I am a flawed person too. 

Medically, suffice to say during NS I was PES C - or what others would call "sick chicken" soldiers.

I am not complaining. My 2 years of NS was relatively easy and "senang" compared to my 2 neighours who were guardsman and commando during their NS- now that's what I call warriors!

But that's not the flaw I care about. 

On Sunday, I had a tiff with a family member. I said some harsh words and once the words came out, I immediately regretted it.

But the damage was done.

I knew which buttons to press and boy did I twist my bayonet...


I treat strangers better than I treat family. That's the flaw I hate myself.


My quick wit in retort has been extremely helpful in my career - I stood out because I don't suffer fools easily and can defend our department when we were "attacked" or blamed in the usual politics of office life. Or when it comes to fighting for resources and the "limelight".

I've removed my mask; but I've brought along my armour and weapons of war back home...

I need to discard them away and find the old me back. The me before the street smarts...

It's OK to be vulnerable. I don't have to be on my guard all the time.


I am home with family now.

21 comments:

  1. what did you said? knn?

    thats very common in my vocab.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ofcos i don't mean what i say when i say knn.

      Delete
    2. just something nice to add in the beginning or at the end of a sentense.

      Delete
    3. Coconut,

      Sometimes I take family for granted... Or is it over familiarity?

      Of course I don't mean it. All I need was to change the words and tone and the outcome would be different...

      The sad part is that I know all about communication, feedback, and the usual coaching techniques.

      And I am supposed to be a people person!?

      It's OK. I will wait for tempers to be cooled so I can apologise.

      Investing and trading are so much easier compared to relationships!

      Delete
    4. so just do what you will do in trading.

      apologise immidiately.

      how long do you want to hold on to a losing "position"?

      Delete
    5. or you can hedge your losses by doing something nice in return if you don't want to apologise cos of ego.

      Delete
    6. whether you are in trading or in relationship or whatever you do, your feeling and most important, your action must be consistent.

      without knowing what you should do, how can one succeed in trading?

      Delete
  2. Relax lah! For the Italian, it's all in the family. For the Chinese, "KAKI LANG PAK SEE BOH SIANG KAN". When everything is over and tempers cool down, we can start again somehow, somewhere. Another new round? You see, they say you can choose your friends but not your family. Family sticks like treacle.

    But i like what coconut's idea best:
    "whether you are in trading or in relationship or whatever you do, your feelings and most important, your actions must be consistent". The trouble is Neuroscientists say when you are feeling bore, it doesn't mean you are a boring person. Or when you are feeling stupid, it also doesn't mean you are a stupid person. SO you treat strangers better than you treat family (especially in the heat of the moment), it doesn't mean you have a flaw. It means we all tend to take our closest ones for granted. Of course we must try harder to be extra nicer the next time to make it up to them. I challenge anyone who has not take his/her closest one for granted at times, knowingly or unknowingly.
    Cheers & Relax.
    As you grow older you will mellow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. having position in trading is like relationship with family. we cannot take them for granted and manage it the best we can. do we care more about others positions or our own positions? who cares about others position and money?

      sure, we all make mistakes. but be able to correct it as fast as possible and move on is the way to go rather than sit back and regret it and be trouble with it.

      Delete
    2. "we cannot take them for granted and manage it the best we can".
      Of course you don't but unknowingly i think you will. Or without realising it, you did. Go and check with your closest ones. If they are honest with you, they will say you did at times. So i think its the same with trading or long-term investment. And that where you said we all make mistakes. By the way your closest ones may have done the same to you too.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Temperament and Coconut,

      I am OK.

      Just found another benefit of blogging - outlet to release my pent up emotions.

      My flaw is I am too aware of my feelings and needs. I need more empathy; not more self awareness.

      Some people care too much on other people's feelings and what they think - but they never lived for themselves...

      I am the reverse. I am too independent and very self conscious on my feelings (great for trading and investing) - but I forget at times others have these needs too.

      I need a healthy balance.

      Delete
  3. I am guilty of that too, prizing logic over emotions. And my excuse was "I am who I am because I don't want to put on a mask with those closest around me."

    That said my wife has issued me a 'warning letter' several times before already :p

    Am still trying to change cos the smartest/wittiest people may not be the happiest of them all (not saying I'm that lol)
    But I do not like to be vulnerable one bit. I think I am insecure :(

    Blackjack

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blackjack,

      I understand what you mean. I don't expose my soft underbelly in the outside world; but I forgot and "brought work home".

      That's the hardest part - balancing being myself and not imposing my will and whims at the expense of other people's feelings...

      I am not the centre of the universe.

      Delete
  4. Hi SMOL

    Don't be too hard on yourself. We are only human and sometimes emotions do get the better of us.

    Tomorrow is another day to show our love/appreciation to family members :-)

    Be well and prosper.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Panzer!

      With support and words of encouragement from you all, I am indeed blessed.

      Delete
  5. Hi Jared,

    I really enjoyed this post of yours. It's the kind of article you could publish in "Chicken Soup for the Soul" or a hearty piece in Reader's Digest. I love the end line "I am home with family now." And you were open and honest. We're all flawed in oh so many ways. It's like Nature is still trying this or that, experimenting with human beings. Somewhere in the universe, there is mother nature smiling and chuckling away going, "Hehehe! I put a little geeky gene in Ronian and now see what I did at the party the other day making a fool of himself!" God bless her.

    Ronian
    (PS: No, I'm not religious. But I use the "G" word in my language all the time, especially verbally whenever I say "G'damnit!") Peace Y'all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ronian,

      I sometimes wonder what makes 2 complete strangers hit if off immediately.

      I guess it may be due to one commonality: onions.

      LOL!

      You have your Raw Onion Soup, and I have my Peeling the Onion ;)

      Delete
  6. I have no idea almost 10 months have gone by ...your tulip story is still fresh on my mind :-)

    I was the opposite of you - I always treated family much better than I treated others and myself, until a month ago, when I realized just how moronic I had been...

    Hope you have forgiven yourself. I am sure your family understands that it was just one of your mood swings...happens to most creative and artistic people :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jules!

      Nice of you to come and comfort me ;)

      I'm the cheerleader of loving oneself first. If not us first, who else? OK, I'm a bit egoistical I think! LOL!

      Girl, missed your psychedelic charts!

      Groovy!

      Delete
  7. Hi SMOL,

    Hope you are feeling better by now.

    I think after working so long and putting that mask on, it's hard to just take it away. The identity of the person behind the mask might even adopt that of the masked person. Don't blame yourself, I think your closed one won't take it to heart either. Time will heal wounds, hopefully without too much of a scar.

    I think if you know how to spot a person's weakness, you'll be able to do both great harm and great goodness. Just use your gift wisely :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LP,

      I am better. Thanks!

      You are right. Water can lift and it can drown.

      Just like written words.

      A satire can help people pause and reflect; but badly written or interpreted, it can also cause pain and hurt...

      I must be mindful.

      Delete

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