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Monday, 29 July 2013

That's How The Fight Started




My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.



13 comments:

  1. after last night slaughtering, i think we gonna have a rematch tonight. better get my cue "sharpen" real quick haha...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and one of the sucker is sitting right beside me right now believe it or not hahaha...

      Delete
    2. i ask him he got anything to say.

      "the wind will blow in different direction and he will take his revenge" is his reply.

      "ya right!"

      Delete
    3. Must "lose" some rounds to encourage them a bit.

      Then it's double-down-or-nothing to end the night ;)

      Have fun!

      Delete
    4. a tribute to my old friend here, he since immgrad to china many years back only to come back once or twice a year.

      he is the most interesting guy i ever met, life will only be half fun without him around. he teach us most of the games and gambling including billiards, in a way also shape me as a trader today indirectly.

      i'm really glade he shouted out today, "his mother ah, not simple, not simple!" in mandarin ofcos, even thought its a quiet day today.

      taking money from him will be the last thing i will do.

      Delete
    5. coconut,

      Friendship that goes way back. That's the kind we should treasure.

      Who knows? Maybe one day I may end up in China again?

      Delete
  2. SMOL

    That is one freaking hilarous piece of write-up. I can't stop laughing while reading this.

    No wonder someone once said that in order to keep a marriage living, you need to compliment your wife even when she looks like a truck. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. B,

      A terrific sense of humour is indeed needed in a marriage ;)

      Delete
  3. Ha!Ha!
    When your wife ask whether she looks like a truck, you better answer, "Don't you worry. We all have our special look as time passed by. Why? i look like a 5 tonner too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. temperament,

      And never say her eye sight damn near perfect!

      Delete
    2. temperament, would you agree our good look are now all disappear haha?

      my friend just said to me yesterday, "wow you so handsome looking, sa sa no smile"! looking at my old wedding photo!

      knn.

      Delete
    3. ok, better concerntrate on market close this time, yesterday, due to the present of my friend, i let some lobster slip away yesterday close only to find they were gone this morning, thats how i discript to him haha.

      Delete
    4. coconut, you bet!
      i am a botak old man now. Whenever i need to use my IC for some purpose, i hear remark from young sweet things (fairer sex), "Wah uncle look handsome!"
      Beauty is really skin deep only.

      Delete

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